An Open Letter to Amy Odell, Editor, Cosmopolitan Magazine

In response to "Confession: Why Getting Hazed by my Sorority Was Weirdly Worth It" -- I sent this email after reading this article. I figured it was worth sharing on this blog.
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Dear Ms. Odell,

I am writing in regards to your publishing of Tess Koman's story about her experience being hazed by her collegiate sorority chapter, as well as your open call for anonymous stories from readers about hazing experiences.

Shame on you.

Shame on you, for using your power as the Editor of the foremost women's magazine in the country (and one that's pretty popular with men, too) to condone something that is not only morally wrong, but also illegal.

Shame on you for allowing Ms. Koman to justify her hazing as bonding and for reducing the sorority membership experience to degrading, immoral, and illegal experiences.

And shame on you for downplaying the abuse and trauma experienced by other victims of hazing, especially those who are too afraid to come forward.

I am also a sorority woman, and I did not have the same membership experience that Ms. Koman had.

During my New Member period (we don't call it pledging, anymore), I learned about the values my sorority was founded on, about the benefits that were offered to me as a member, and about my new sisters. I was considered a sister on my bid day; membership was something that I earned on day one as I signed my bid card and made a mutual and lifelong commitment to my organization.

During my four years in college, my sorority membership gave me countless leadership experiences that taught me real, marketable skills -- my collegiate officer positions are on my resume and I am frequently asked about them in interviews. Like Ms. Koman, I also made some of my best friends in my sorority -- not because we were forced to sexually dance for fraternity men but because we shared the same common values.

I suppose that my biggest issue with Ms. Koman's piece is that it ignores all of the wonderful things that Panhellenic organizations offer to their members -- scholarship, service, leadership, and networking opportunities, of course, but above all else, deep bonds based on shared values -- while praising the transgressions of Ms. Koman's initiating chapter.

Does hazing occur? Of course it occurs. It occurs within groups of all kinds - professional sports teams, marching bands, and, yes, sororities and fraternities. And it is heartbreaking when hazing occurs, even when it is the exception, and not the rule. Hazing causes physical, mental, and emotional damage, some irreversible, and is contradictory to the founding values of any fraternal group.

Publishing this article was insensitive and demeaning to victims of hazing who may not want to come forward. Ms. Koman has reduced their abuse and pain to just part of the experience, which it absolutely is not.

I hope that as the Editor of a progressive women's magazine, you realize that forced subordination of women by other women is anything but progressive. It seems just slightly counter intuitive to suggest that we have to earn our place among our own gender through humiliation and abuse while demanding gender equality in the workplace, don't you think?

Sincerely,

Jen Gilbert

You are always wearing your letters (part II)

My blog originally started as a way for me to keep track of my travels around the country for Delta Gamma Fraternity. The year took me all over the United States, from Montana to Texas to California and, you guessed it, Maryland.

I've sat here and tried to pen my thoughts about the negative press DG has been getting today, but I think I'm going to do this instead:

In any and all cases, bad or sensational news spreads more quickly than good. So instead of giving more press-time to the negative, I think maybe it's more appropriate to let you see some of the good our 146 chapters are doing.

Our University of Oregon chapter raises over $30,000 each year for Service for Sight during Anchor Splash: http://dailyemerald.com/2013/04/18/greek-uo-delta-gamma-sororitys-anchor-splash-philanthropy-one-of-most-successful-in-the-nation-anchor/

Then there's our chapter at UNR: http://nevadasagebrush.com/blog/2013/04/08/dg-hosts-yearly-charity-event/

Beta Psi at the University of Alabama will also be fundraising this weekend: http://www.al.com/entertainment/index.ssf/2013/04/alabamas_delta_gamma_sorority.html

 And each of our chapters also volunteers within their community: http://www.patriottalon.com/pulse/article_b1a0b6d6-9b0a-11e2-84c0-001a4bcf6878.html

And finally at the University of Richmond: http://thecollegianur.com/2013/03/28/dg-volleyball-tournament-raises-money-for-visually-impaired/33705/

I've said it in this blog over and over again: Fraternity and sorority life is about way more than partying. Started as a way for women to work together to become educated, sorority life has been, is, and will continue to be an integral and rewarding part of college for young women across the country.

For me, Delta Gamma absolutely played a major part in my development as a leader, friend, scholar, volunteer, and human being in general. My experience was about growing in my studies, service, and relationships and about becoming the woman I am today.

I think as fraternity and sorority members, we have an obligation to protect and spread all of the good things Greek life can be. And really, it just comes down to this:

In everything you say and in everything you do, you are always wearing your letters.

On DG, Greek Life, and Convention

Last weekend, I was blessed to be able to attend Delta Gamma's 65th International Biennial Convention in Indianapolis. It was truly one of the highlights of my Delta Gamma experience, and a great way to revisit my year as a CDC. I got to see many of the presidents I worked with over the year, meet the president of our chapter at the University of Virginia (where I will be taking on the role of ATC), catch up with fellow CDCs, and gain further appreciation for being a Delta Gamma - an organization that I chose to be a part of, and one that in turn chose me.

Look, Steph, you made the blog!!

Greek Life has the potential to change lives because it adds something to the undergraduate experience of men and women across the country. Let's be honest, if it did not offer something beyond partying, it would not still be relevant on our campuses.

I don't think I've posted on this before, so I'm going to do it now, in part as an answer to a challenge issued by Circle of Sisterhood founder Ginny Carroll during her speech at Convention. She challenged us to share with others why Delta Gamma meant as much as it did to us, and to share the moment when we were proudest to be a Delta Gamma.

One of my proudest moments as a Delta Gamma was when I returned to our Gamma Xi chapter at Texas Tech University in the Spring. I had visited the chapter in the fall and had had a really wonderful experience with the women, making a lot of connections and really enjoying my time in Lubbock. When I arrived in March, the chapter gave me a standing ovation, and I was greeted with hugs and smiles. The outpouring of love, support, and true sisterhood (despite these women having only known me for one week) was overwhelming.

The truth is, I have a lot of proud DG moments because DG has had such an impact on my life. I honestly believe that the organization has given me leadership and teamwork skills that I would not have been able to learn elsewhere, and I can say that members of my organization - collegiate and alumni alike- have shaped me into a person I am proud to be.

I believe that Greek organizations are capable of being catalysts for change and for good on college campuses, should collegiate members embrace the values that their organizations offer. I know because I have seen (and have been moved to tears by) it on campuses all over the country - large, small, public, private, you name it.

Delta Gamma, and other Greek organizations, remain relevant not because of the drinking, the partying, the hazing, but because they teach young adults how to live with values and purpose. They offer a secure, supportive setting in which 18-23 year-olds can grow as students, as leaders, and as friends. They are places in which young women and men and built up, encouraged to push their limits, and comforted during hard times.

What's more is that they offer a network of other members that span generational and geographical gaps. I have been inspired by Delta Gammas in collegiate chapters in Montana, Colorado, Maryland, Texas, Ohio, Florida... just to name a few, and by women at many different stages of life. I have learned and grown from their experiences in the organization.

There is truly no other subset of organization that offers quite the same experience.

If you're Greek, what's your proudest Greek moment? And if you're not, when have you seen a Greek organization at their best or worst?

What do you value?

thanks, pinterest.

What  do you value? Seems like a pretty easy question, no?

This year, I’ve made it my goal to talk about values everywhere I go. Whether it’s how to recruit women based on values or how to live by Delta Gamma’s values, I’m always trying to get the women that I meet to think about what this six letter word, values, really means.

Why? Because what we value defines who we are. Because what we value isn’t just communicated through what we say, it’s communicated in our every day activities. Our values are determined by what we do, say, and think.

And because somebody who knows what they value, and who strives to live their values, is unstoppable.

Some things I value? Honesty. Integrity. Compassion. Health. Happiness. Friendship. Respect. Learning. Teamwork. Forgiveness.

But it’s not just enough to tell people what you value. After all, corporations, politicians, organizations… many fail when what they do does not align with what they say they stand for. And the same fate could befall sororities and fraternities.

We say we stand for friendship, but then we talk about each other behind closed doors.

We say we stand for honesty, but then we lie about why we’re missing a meeting.

We say we stand for integrity, but then we take the extra t-shirt that someone left in the common area.

What’s that song? A little less talk, a lot more action?

What separates fraternities and sororities from other campus organizations is their ability to provide a values-based experience. It’s what has kept us relevant for over a hundred years. It’s why young women and men can be transformed over the course of their college experience.

Because that unquantifiable deeper meaning you get from life once you know what you stand for? It pushes you to be that better version of yourself. It gives you purpose and drive and breeds passion. It helps you to inspire others to find their deeper meaning too.

And that, for lack of a better word, is just awesome.

On hazing

This article was brought to my attention yesterday. Featured in Rolling Stone, it covers alleged hazing that took place at Dartmouth. Essentially, a young man who had been a member of a fraternity at Dartmouth exposed everything that he had gone through in an opinion piece in the school paper. I had already come across his column last week, but the Rolling Stone article covers more of the response from the school’s Greek community, which I’m more interested in writing about.

Dartmouth, unlike many Ivy League schools, boasts a large, and historic, Greek community. While other Ivies have eating clubs, many fraternities and sororities have some of their oldest chapters at Dartmouth. It’s unsurprising, then, that the Greek community is fairly tight knit. That being said, the response to hazing allegations against the school’s chapter of SAE are extremely disappointing.
Following allegations, the Greek community banded together to voice their disapproval of the young man’s “whistle-blowing.” They fought back by insisting that he had lied, and emphasizing that he was a “disgrace” to their community.

That response makes me sick.

You would think that in some of the oldest chapters of Greek lettered organizations, someone would understand years and years of values. Where in any chapter’s ritual is hazing okay? Did anybody’s founders intend to foster an environment where sisterhood/brotherhood is built through binge drinking and abuse? Mine certainly did not.

How embarrassing for the Greek community at Dartmouth, and the Greek community as a whole, that young men and women ostracize someone who has been treated in a way that doesn’t align with organizational values and ideals. Why isn’t the Greek community leading the charge to uncover the truth, and to reprimand organizations that do not follow their founding principles?

His allegations are just that, allegations. But if there is truth to his story, shouldn’t members of the Dartmouth fraternity and sorority community want to put an end to abusive behavior that in no way, shape, or form reflects the deeper meaning of Greek life?

Like I’ve written earlier, it takes one person in one chapter on one campus to deal a significant blow to the credibility of our organizations. More importantly, how we, as young men and women, choose to respond to things like hazing that threaten our deeper purpose, impacts how we are viewed. Holding collegiate chapters and members accountable for their actions, especially when they go against everything the organization stands for, is vital to the health of our organizations.

Hazing isn’t just a Greek problem – it’s a cultural problem. We make fun of rookies who are hazed publicly, even writing about it in major newspapers. But when the Greek community refuses to hold our members accountable, we make it a Greek problem, and it reflects poorly on all of us.

It's time for the Dartmouth community, and the International Greek community, to stand up for what our founders believed; to stand up for what members have preserved for over a hundred years. Hazing doesn't build respect, it destroys it. Until we can hold our own accountable, how will we ever be able to make a truly positive impact?

“How do you deal with negative stereotypes?”

One of the questions I am most often asked on the road is: “How do you deal with negative stereotypes having to do with Greek Life?”

My answer is always a follow-up question (I may be the most frustrating CDC on the planet – they just want an answer!): “Do you think those stereotypes are true?”

I remember discussing stereotypes in an entry level Journalism class in college. The part the stuck out most to me? Stereotypes are generally founded on some nugget of truth.

Leaders in fraternities and sororities complain that the media gets it wrong; that so much emphasis is placed on partying, hazing, not living out values, and that all of the wonderful things we do are all but ignored. While this may be true (see: TLC’s one episode of Sorority Girls), the fact of the matter is, in order for these things to be covered by the media, they had to have happened.

Of course sororities do more than party. Of course we do. We do thousands and thousands of hours of community service, boast higher GPAs than the campus average, host educational programs for our members, shape women into leaders. And hazing? Every NPC organization is 100% anti-hazing.

But here’s the thing: it takes one person representing one organization having one bad night out or making one mistake to counteract all the good that fraternities and sororities as a whole do. In order for the media to write bad things, those bad things had to have happened.

Of course members are going to make mistakes; college is part of growing up and part of growing up is making mistakes. But once you join a Greek letter organization, you’re held to a higher standard and higher scrutiny because of everything you represent. Because you, and I, represent over  a hundred years of heritage, hundreds of thousands of members, millions of philanthropy hours, and established values and ideals. We communicate everything our organizations stand for in our actions every day.

Delta Zeta put out an awesome, awesome video that members of fraternities and sororities everywhere should watch. It’s here for you now:

So, how do you deal with negative stereotypes of Greek organizations? The answer to that question is best communicated through actions, not words.